My very fun Dad!

My father was so fun to do things with. He was fun when he worked or played. A photo of Dad when he was out surveying in San Diego. A picture of my Dad and I about 1984 in Vancouver WA. This is Auntie Do, Dad, Grandma Byler and Auntie Gin. About 1936 in Balboa Park. The folks always went to Balboa Park for an Easter picnic. Dad and his sister Vella. Vella died in about 1924. Vella taught Dad to read when he was 4 years old. Vella also let Dad work with her school work. THE BIG HOUSE Where I was born in 1944. Jody's and my room is on the top floor to the left. We had the window. My play rom was on the botton floor to the left with all the windows. DAD’S BAND Dad had a little western band while we lived at the big house. They played at company picnics and saloons. When the Korean War started most of the band had to enlist so Dad had to break up the band. When we lived in the Big House, I loved sitting on the stairs watching them practice at night. I went with Dad to some of the picnics where they played for company parties. It was so much fun.

Dad would sing, whistle, and play the guitar, banjo, harmonica and bones. Bones were two carved and finished pieces of wood that you held in the fingers of one hand and by twisting your hand back and forth with rhythm the wood pieces would strike each other and make a very intricate and engaging rhythm. There was a base player, guitar player, violin player and I think a steel guitar player also. They played songs like Red River Valley, Lonesome, Blue Tail Fly. MY FIRST BICYCLE I got my first bicycle when we lived in San Diego. I was 5 years old. It was there on a downhill, rutted, gravel road that I thought I was going to die learning how to ride my bike. I was determined to learn and I did it myself. Dad showed me the philosophy of bike riding and I went outside onto the downhill gravel road and put my life on the line to learn this new art. I had a feeling of immense freedom when I finally learned. I always felt liberated when I rode my bike.

Throughout my life Dad kept me supplied with wonderful, beautiful bicycles. I could go anywhere on my bike and I did. I ventured out into the world around me with gusto and aplomb. I went all by myself, until I met Marty.

PRESENTS DAD GOT FOR ME I loved the cowboy guns and holster set Mom and Dad made for me for my 6th birthday. Mother and Dad cut the leather and tooled it and put silver and shiny stone decorations on it and put them on a tooled belt. I loved that. They were big and I could use them for years. Dad put them on a bigger belt as I got older. I gave them to my nephew Jackie. I kept them until I was 17 as a keep sake.

Dad made a train set for me. He put it on a 4’X 8’ piece of plywood and painted it. I had a little town and the train. The tracks were nailed on. It was electric. I didn’t really want a train set, but I think that Dad did. I appreciated his efforts.

Dad gave me a bow and some arrows. My friend Marty also had a bow and arrow. I think he had his before I had mine. Marty and I played with our bows and arrows a lot in his back yard. We’d set up boxes all over his yard. I bet his yard was bigger than an acre, with two huge pepper trees. Marty and I would walk all over this yard shooting our arrows at these boxes. Then Dad set me up with a target in my back yard. The target had a back stop of boards probably 5” X 5’, with a bale of hay in front and a target attached to the hay. My geese were behind the back stop. I loved the rifle Dad got for me when I was 12. We went shooting at the dump. He liked shooting rats. I didn’t. I didn’t tell him I didn’t like shooting rats, but he could figure it out I guess when I always missed. He enrolled me in the police NRA class and I loved target shooting. I competed and was ranked a Sharpshooter. I’m still a pretty good shot. DAD HAD A BIG GARDEN IN MARTY’S YARD Dad made a big garden about 50’X75’ across the street in Marty‘s yard. It grew up beautifully. We had so many veggies from that wonderful garden. He only had it that one year. He let my geese out to eat the bugs so he didn’t have to spray poison. The geese just stayed right there eating their fill of big, juicy tomato bugs. Oh they really loved it in the garden. Dad also started a nursery in Santee when I was in my teens. He really understood plants and planting. MY PARENTS HAD TWO FOSTER CHILDREN The folks were foster parents for a time. They had Freddy who was 16 and Steve who was older but still in high school. They had troubles with their parents or something. I never knew what. Dad did very well with the boys. He was friendly and interested in their lives. I was maybe 9. They didn’t show an interest in my attempts to be friendly which didn’t disappoint me. I didn’t know what to do with them either. But Dad played with them and got them whatever they needed to help them in school and to help them feel like someone cared.

Dad got the chickens for Freddy. Freddy was in 4H. He’d play catch with them a lot and wrestle around with them, the boys not the chickens. Dad was trying to teach them some structure and responsibility. While the boys were living with us, Dad came home every night. He took their troubles to heart and tried to give them some stability and affection.

Eventually the boys lost interest in what Dad was doing to help them and they rebelled somewhat, but I don’t think it was because Dad didn’t do well. I just think that they had other things on their minds. The problems that caused them to be away from their families were too much for them to overcome at that time. Dad seemed sad when they left. WHEN THE FOSTER BOYS LEFT When the foster boys left, I think Dad was sad. But he rallied and began playing catch with me. I was playing by myself, throwing the ball against the garage door and catching it. Dad gave me Freddy’s glove after he left and Dad and I began playing catch. He really gave me a work out.

This is a photo of Willie Nelson and Micky Whalen at Bostonia Ballroom MOTHER AND DAD WENT DANCING When we moved to Bostonia/El Cajon, the folks would go dancing at Bostonia Ballroom which at that time was operated by Smokey Rogers. Smokey Rogers was a popular western singer of the late 40s and 50s. He had his own TV show which I always watched. He owned and operated Bostonia Ballroom for a time and had many celebrities booked there. Merlin’s cousin, Bonnie Jan Whittle, was there and saw Johnny Cash sing. It is a big controversy whether he ever played there or not, but Bonnie Jan was there and saw him.

It is said that Elvis was seen in the audience. Mickey Whalen and Willie Nelson played there, so it was a popular place to go for good country music. Smokey Rogers wrote a song that Ferlin Husky made popular called Gone.

Bostonia is near the intersection of North 2nd Street and Broadway in the city of El Cajon. Bostonia Street, the Bostonia Post Office, the former Bostonia Ballroom, Bostonia Elementary School and the Bostonia Fire Station are all within 2,000 feet (610 m) of this location. I attended Bostonia Elementary with Ruth Rogers, Smokey Rogers’ daughter.

The Bostonia Ballroom was very appealing to Dad who had his own western band before the Korean War. So Mother and Dad had a very fun time dancing with their friends at Bostonia Ballroom. I also danced there. They had some youth dances earlier in the evening, and I went with Robert the first chair trumpet player once.

OUR MOVE TO BOSTONIA/EL CAJON We moved to Bostonia, a neighborhood within El Cajon City, when I was 6 years old because of my health. I was allergic to the climate of downtown San Diego. The doctors recommended I live in a dryer atmosphere.

Our lot was about ¼ acre with about a 50 foot front. The house was very small compared to the Big House; only one story with two bedrooms, which were very small. Jody’s and my bedroom in the Big House was nearly as large as our whole new house in El Cajon. It was a new house and so there was nothing growing.

Dad planted fruit trees in the back yard, one each of plum, peach, apricot, fig and nectarine. He planted them on the septic line so they grew really fast and had the best fruit in town. Dad converted the little one car garage on the side of the house into a third bedroom, and he built a 4 car garage from laying the cement to building the walls and roof in the backyard. He had a very nice work shop inside the large garage where he also stored radios, TVs and other assorted electrical stuff. We never had room in the 4 car garage to actually park a car. Because we had to make trails through the electronic equipment, it was a great place to play spaceman and hide and seek. Dad may have had help with building the garage and other yard projects, but I don’t remember seeing anyone else around. But I was just 6 years old. My memory may not be perfect for the time.

Dad made a very beautiful white picket fence for the front. The other neighbors had chain link fences. I remember painting the fence. Dad planted honeysuckle on one side of the back yard which grew on the chain link fence and was very pretty. On the other side of the yard was the big 4 car garage. There was about one quarter of the yard in the very back which was fenced. This is where we kept the 16 ducks, 22 chickens, and my 6 geese. Dad got the chickens for Freddy, a foster bother. We also had a tortoise, two pigeons, and two guinea hens. The pigeons and guinea hens weren’t for me, but I took care of them sometimes.

I HAD THE BEST BIRTHDAYS EVER Mother and Dad let me pick what I wanted to do for my birthday. I loved the beach, so I nearly always chose to go to the beach. I got to bring one friend. Mother would cook all morning and pack as though we were never coming back. When we got the Mission Beach, which is my beach, Dad would set up two wind breaks around a fire pit.

The cousins would come and we would play in the beach and sand, then eat, then play more. At night the folks would bring out their guitars and harmonicas and we would all sing around the fire. We would leave often around 9PM and on the way home I could still feel the rhythm of the waves on my body. I loved my birthdays.

DAD KNEW WHEN THE TIDE WAS IN When I was between 8 and 12, Dad would wake me in the early hours of morning, while it was still dark. He would say; “Wake up and let’s go fishing. The tide is in.” We would drive the 40 miles to Mission Beach stopping only to get bait. We’d get to the beach when the sun was just coming up. It was light enough by then to get sand crabs for extra bait. You have to wait until the wave goes out, and then watch for the bubbles popping up in the sand. If you dig down really fast you catch a little sand crab. We got about 2 cups of little sand crabs for bait.

Dad told me I had to bait my own hook and taught me how. We would walk out into the surf where the waves came up to my neck but were only to Dad’s waist or some above. He gave me a 4 pound test line so I wouldn’t be hauled out to sea by a shark or manta ray. But the fish we caught were so big I couldn’t reel them in, I had to walk up the beach toward the boardwalk to bring the fish in. Sometimes Dad would take the hook out of their mouths for me. After we caught a bunch of perch, we’d start for home, first stopping for some donuts, and hot chocolate for me, coffee for Dad.

When we got home Dad would clean the fish. I was so glad I didn’t have to do that part. I watched him clean the fish so I knew how to do it but I was very glad he was willing to do it while I showered. It was hard enough to bait the hook, but I did it so I could be with Dad. He really loved to go fishing like this. I would take a shower and Dad would fry up the fish, we’d eat our fill and go back to bed for awhile.

Later, when I was in my teen years, we’d go fishing on the Ocean Beach pier. We could do that kind of fishing all year and sometimes it was really cold. I’d wear my big coat. Same thing, Dad would cook up the fish when we got home and we’d eat them. I loved the fish he cooked. I still think it is a treat to have freshly caught fish fried up for breakfast. I took Merlin there to see where we fished. You wouldn't believe it but the same oriental folks were still there fishing off the pier.

I talked a lot as I mentioned. One of Dad’s rules on our fishing trips was that we couldn’t talk much. You might think this difficult for a young very talkative girl, but this wasn’t hard for me at all. Dad wanted me with him and I loved being there. I could be quiet for that kind of relationship.

I thought that Dad was so smart and knew everything. He always had an answer for any question I asked and he knew when the tide was in so we could go fishing. I thought he just knew when the tide was in. I was about 25 when I was reading the weather section of the newspaper and saw the incoming and outgoing tides listed by times and beaches. I’ve laughed about that so often. But even though he read about the tides in the newspaper, I still think he was the smartest Dad around. Hey, he knew where to look for the weather and tide information.

WE WENT CRAWDAD HUNTING Dad and I would go out to Santee where they was a marshy area with a few pools of water. Dad and I would hunt around the rocks where the water was eddying around them for crawdads. We’d bait our line and hang it down around the crawdads, wiggle it and they would grab onto it with their claws. Then we would carefully bring the crawdad up and put it in our bucket. If we jerked the line, the crawdad would let go.

Dad would cook them up when we got home and we would eat them. Well, I really didn’t like eating the crawdads. But I loved being with Dad, so I did my best to make it a fun time for him by eating those foul things. I loved being outside with Dad. And I loved exploring the whole wild area around the marsh. So I may have done more exploring than catching actually.

DAD AND MOTHER CAME TO ALL MY MUSIC ACTIVITIES When I began playing percussion, my folks were very supportive. Even Dad came to all of my performances. He seemed to really enjoy them. They took my friend Maureen to all the games where the band played.

When I was in high school, Dad was elected Band Parent’s Organization president and he was always there for the meetings and for any function the band parents were involved with. He ran the meetings using Robert’s Rules of Order. I think he had a good time working with the parents to support the band. I never heard him complain.

DAD NEVER TOOK ME ON A DEEP SEA FISHING EXPEDITION AGAIN When I was an adult, Dad wanted to go deep sea fishing. He talked about it a lot. Finally he made arrangements and asked me to go with him. I wanted to go of course. We brought his tackle box and different fishing rods. There was a place on the deck to put the tackle boxes.

We got out to sea and I got very sea sick. I’d never been out to sea before so I didn’t know I would get sick. I was so sick I couldn’t stand up. I couldn’t even get myself below deck. Finally I laid down around everyone’s tackle boxes and there I stayed for the duration. The men would have to move me to get into their boxes. They grumbled about me laying there but I couldn’t move. Dad was so upset with me and told me he would never take me deep sea fishing again. Well that was a relief. I sure wasn’t sad about that one bit. I PLAYED IN SANTEE COMMUNITY BAND IN 8TH GRADE When I was in 8th grade I was sitting in class reading when all of a sudden the boy sitting next to me jumped up shouting “She has measles!” He ran out of the room but before he could get to the door the whole class was up and running out of the room also, leaving me just sitting there not knowing what was going on.

The kids were all pointing at me. I understood why the kids ran when I saw the red rash covering my arms. The teacher came over and told me I should go home. Mother took me to a doctor and he diagnosed mononucleosis. I was out of school for 3 months. Probably they wouldn’t keep someone out of school so long now, I don’t know. But there I was at home for 3 months.

I didn’t feel so bad to begin with but in a few days I was pretty sick and very tired. I was told I had to have complete bed rest, but I couldn’t just lay there; I practiced my drum lessons, read and played catch in bed or on the couch and I did my homework. No one could visit because they thought it was very contagious. Maureen would call me but I was often too tired to talk much. TV wasn’t fun because I couldn’t stay awake if I wasn’t doing something, thus the drumming and playing catch.

After about 2 months of being in bed Dad thought I should have something to do to build up my strength. He had heard of a little community band in Santee that needed a drummer. He took me out there to play with them a couple of nights a week. It was sure good to get out. It was difficult to make it through the rehearsals in the beginning because I got so tired, but it was fun, and as time went on I got over the mono and regained my strength. Most of the participants in the Santee Community Band were adults so that was different. I appreciated my father’s sympathetic consideration of my predicament. It wasn’t very fun just laying there at home in bed all the time.

WHEN DAD CAME TO VISIT ME IN OAKLAND Dad came to visit me while I lived in Oakland. I had been working as a teller at the Bank of America. I developed a ganglion cyst in my right wrist and needed to have it removed and wear a brace for a week while it healed. There was no one to drive me home so Dad came up to help me.

We didn’t go to Grotto #9, my favorite place to eat in San Francisco on Fisherman‘s Wharf. He wanted to explore The City. We “dressed” in those days just to go out, so Dad even helped me get my nylons on. Cute guy.

We went to Golden Gate Park The Presidio, Chinatown and other areas in The City. In Oakland he wanted to see the new Temple which had just opened. I didn’t have a recommend at that time and of course he wasn’t a member but we went up there to see it. While walking around the grounds, Dad walked up to a doorway to see more. When he got within about 4 feet, the door automatically opened and in he went.

I was outside and didn’t know how to get him out of there. But nearly as quickly as he went in, he came out of the door on the other side. He was grinning and said to me; “I don’t think I am supposed to be in there.” I asked him why. He said; “Because they were all dressed in white.” We laughed and went on to explore more sites around the area. Later in my life, Dad told me that he was happy that I had met Merlin and that being a Mormon had been good for me. He liked Merlin. WHEN DAD CAME TO VERNAL He made a big garden for me in Vernal, UT. First he studied about the growing characteristics of our area, then dug up the garden area, fertilized and planted the whole thing. It was the best garden in our area. It was about the same size as the one he planted at El Cajon in Marty’s yard. I wasn’t able to weed it very well because I was pregnant with Scott and pretty huge. I had a hard time walking let alone bending down and weeding a garden.

My neighbor was always telling me I had to weed my garden or the produce wouldn’t be good. I told him the weeds were my ground cover to protect the vegetable plants from the hot Vernal sun. He would just walk away, shaking his head at me. In the end my produce was big, beautiful, crisp, juicy, and plentiful. My neighbor was astonished.

DAD WOULD COME OVER AND FIX DINNER Dad loved to cook. When I was an adult, he would arrive at my house with bags of groceries in his arms. He would be happy and laughing and come right in and start fixing dinner. Sometimes he would call and ask me if I wanted him to fix dinner and sometimes not. I might have dinner started when he called or came. But I didn’t see enough of him, so I was more than willing to put what I had going back in the refrigerator for another day when Dad was at the door.

One of my favorites was his chicken fried stake. He would cut the fat off the round stake and fry it crisp in the cast iron pan. Placing the crisp fat on a napkin, he would then salt it and call the boys to come have a treat. And it was a treat. We loved his fried fat. He would make fried back rind too, when I was young. Yum. Now I know why I have such high cholesterol. Just kidding. He also made oxtail stew and oyster stew. We still are using his recipes.

We ate raw salted hamburger and steak, Dad calling it steak tartar. Now we are so worried about doing anything like that. But we never got sick.

Dad would bring along lots of ethnic foods which he would pick up at different delicatessens around the city. I loved his enthusiasm for food and for trying lots of different things. WHEN I WAS BACK IN CALIFORNIA Both of my parents were very supportive when I was by myself. Dad would bring food and fix dinners as I mentioned. He made nice youth beds for my boys. He fixed up tricycles, bikes, wagons, and other riding toys for them that he got second hand.

He loved his grandchildren, most especially when they were young. He played with them and they all had so much fun. As the children got older, into their teens, the kids were busier and Dad was slower. He loved them all so much and you could see that he missed the fun times he had with them. I probably wasn’t very good at making the transition with my parents from them being so involved with the little kids to involving them in our life as the boys got older.

DAD TOOK MY CUB SCOUT DEN ON A DEEP SEA ADVENTURE When Parker and Scott were in Cub Scouts and I was a CS leader I arranged for the boys to go on a deep sea whale watching trip in San Diego Bay. That was the culmination of a special program for my Cub Scouts, after which they would receive a special neckerchief slide and badge for several weeks of activities learning about whales and whale conservation. I knew that I would never be able to take them on this deep sea whale watching trip. I asked my Dad if he would take them.

He agreed. This meant he wouldn’t be able to smoke while he was with the Cub Scouts (No one was allowed to smoke around the Cub kids), and he would be responsible for their safety as well. This was a big thing for him to do. I think he enjoyed it a lot and I know the boys enjoyed being with him. I was so grateful for his help and I loved the look he had when he brought them all home. They were all laughing and playing around together. It showed that they had fun with my dad. I will always remember and love the look of his face when he was happy and having fun.

He took my sons pier fishing with him too, like he took me. It was great for them to have this fun experience with my Dad. He was smiling and happy when he brought them back home. Oh, the beautiful smiling face of my Dad, how wonderful it looked.

WHEN DAD TOOK THE BOYS TO BURNSIDE Dad came up to Vancouver to visit me when Parker was about 15 and Scott was 13 years old. He wanted to take the bus over to Portland and walk around checking the city out. He asked if the boys could go with him. Well! The boys were ecstatic at the notion of going anywhere with Grandpa and especially over to Portland on the bus. I knew from my life with Dad that he will want to go to all the second hand stores, which were located downtown on Burnside and Van Buren. That was in the worst part of town. I worried about my kids and Dad on foot in that area. I asked Dad to not take them there and he promised, but I knew Dad and he would figure that he might just accidentally get to that area and then what could he do? Sure. I told the boys that I didn’t want them down there. They agreed, knowing it didn’t make any difference anyway; Grandpa will do what he wanted to. I gave the boys a can of Mace and told them to protect themselves and Grandpa on this excursion.

They came back, the three of them grinning from ear to ear, carting all the second hand stuff they bought. . . down on Burnside. Among other things, they bought home a bird cage. We didn’t have a bird. They never had to use the Mace. WHEN DAD CAME OVER Whenever Dad came to my home, he always tried to do something for me. When we moved to Vancouver, Dad came to visit. He fixed my broken furniture, made a workbench for Mr. Thompson and shelves for me in the garage. I had a lot of his hand and electrical tools. He might cook, fix something, bring something for the kids or what have you. When he came to visit me in Oakland, Vernal and Vancouver, I wanted him to just vacation. But he was always puttering around fixing stuff. MY MOTHER AND DAD Mother and dad divorced when I was 19. It was not fun for any of us. They each told me that they loved the other, but just couldn’t live with each other. They were helpful to Jody and I however. Now you hear of divorced people fighting with each other or having acrimonious feelings for each other and imposing those feelings on their children and the rest of the family. Not Mother and Dad. They always showed respect for each other when they were together at a family function and neither of them tried to influence any of the family against the other. They each had people they went out with and might bring to a family get-together, but they never made a scene that might ruin the holiday for the family. DAD’S JOBS Here is a list of Dad’s jobs. I know of some of them only from listening to the folks talk. Dad was brilliant. He was reading at age four and his sister taught him some of her school work before he even went to school himself. That was his sister Vella. All my life I saw the folks reading and learning. Neither of them graduated from high school, but the both were always studying something. Dad read science books and magazines. He would come to the house for dinner or what have you and then give us the benefit of all his studying since we saw him last. We always got quite a “lecture” on his most currant subject. I liked it.

• He worked in the lumber industry in Tuolumne CA when he was in his late teens and early 20s.
• Dad worked on the Hoover Dam during the depression in one of FDR’s work projects.
• Dad had the western band and they played for company picnics and at saloons.
• He was a surveyor for the City of San Diego. When we drove around town he would show me all of the streets he had surveyed. There were so many I thought he must have surveyed the whole city.

He worked for Consolidated/Convair in San Diego, which was an aircraft plant. He was a tool and die maker there. He would design tools for a certain job.

• Dad educated himself on how to raise rabbits, which he did while we lived at the Big House. Mother said that his rabbits were the best. They bartered with the rabbits during the war.
• He took a correspondence course on fixing radios and TVs and had four repair shops, two in El Cajon and two in Santee. He had one shop at a time. I would visit him at his shops and he taught me to clean tuners and test tubes and how to solder. It was fun helping him work.
• He worked for several other radio and TV repair shops.
• He had a nursery in Santee at one of the TV/Radio repair shops. He studied about how to grow things. He had a knack for growing things like his mother.
• Dad also ran the projectors at the Ace Drive-in Theater in Bostonia. Mother and I went there with him a lot. I played at the playground in the front until the movie started. Then we watched the movie, until I got too tired and went to sleep in the back of the car. At intermission, I went to the snack bar and got some goodie. Perhaps this is where I got my love for movies. It was a fun time.
• When he retired he was driving a taxi in San Diego, a Yellow Cab. He was attacked and robbed once. The man trained a gun on Dad and asked him for his money. When Dad gave it to him, the robber hit him in the head. Dad had a concussion and was in the hospital. Very scary. Dad told me he pretended to be knocked out so the man wouldn’t kill him. That was good!

On Blended Families

I wrote this article for The Ensign in the early 1990s I think. The managing editor, Don Seal, loved the premise but wanted more personal stories added. I never felt impressed to add more of our personal experiences with the children; more than are already included, so this never got published. I’ve updated it a bit, but this is essentially the article I sent to The Ensign. This updated version was written around Dec 2010.

HOW WE WORKED OUT OUR BLENDED FAMILY

We got married in 1985. We had both lived separately in Vancouver WA for about 7 years. On advice from very trusted friends, we decided to move away from there after our marriage. People told us that there was so much out there about our pervious marriages, it might be difficult to begin anew. Therefore, the day after we got married, off we went to AZ.

Merlin had just been hired as a salesperson for a company that rented commercial dishwashers and sold the chemical for the machines. I did not have a job or even a license yet. Merlin was 48 and I was 40. This was a beginning of a new life for us, and was risky business at our ages, to go to a different state and begin our life together, essentially without money. Heavenly Father blessed our venture by allowing us to be sealed in the Seattle Temple. Our meeting and marriage is a story to be told at another time.

We have between us, six children. My youngest, Scott, then age 17, was still in high school, so he came with us. Merlin had two sons living in Vancouver with their mother, one son just off his mission and living in Tempe AZ, and one daughter living on her own in Vancouver. My oldest was going to college. Over the years, all of the children have lived with us except one. That first year we had three of the boys living with us off and on, and Scott who was there all the time. Merlin and I were excited and looked forward with anticipation to the many positive adventures our children would have in the future. In our combined mind’s eye, we saw them having all of the fine things of life, hopefully avoiding any pain, discomfort, distress, worry and embarrassment.

At the time, second marriages were called “blended”. Blending is defined in the dictionary as to mix a substance with another substance so that the two do not readily separate. The statistics on second marriages were dismal at best. Some 70% of them were failing according to data at the time. We were unwavering in our determination to stay together for ourselves as well as for our children. Second and third marriages often fail because of problems between the partners regarding the raising and disciplining of the children, around 40% of second marriages were failing for those reasons, according to National Center for Health Statistics (2002). It did not seem good for anyone if our marriage failed.

As we began dating, Merlin noticed that my sons manipulated me. I was not so aware of this, but when he mentioned it, I took a look and recognized what was happening. Of course, children will try to get what they want and perhaps I was somewhat lenient because of my divorce. I felt guilty for not being able to keep my marriage together, either of them actually. So perhaps I overlooked some manipulation on the boys’ part. Merlin allowed his children to over influence him, possibly for the same reasons. So we noticed even before we were married some irregular behavior in our communications with our children. It was nothing serious at the time, but it might be disadvantageous at some point.

Most children do not want their parents to divorce, no one wants to change how they relate to their parents, and no one wants to establish new and different ways to communicate. Abuse aside, what we know is what we want, it is comfortable to us and we want it to remain the same. When something in a group changes, it creates chaos until new ways of looking at things develop. Merlin and I are not communication geniuses or even very insightful. Recognizing that fact and also understanding that all of us had been in remarkably dysfunctional families prior to beginning this one, Merlin and I were willing to obtain help from any source. We prayerfully began looking for some experts to help us navigate through the precarious straits of establishing new relationships within this newly formed family.

Our Stake was offering several classes in how to communicate within blended families. We took the course. It seemed that communication was not that much different within a blended family. Using the guidelines given to us in this church course, we still noticed some reticent behavior in our children who were living at home or came for extended visits. We went to the library and searched for information on how other blended families coped and established a friendly functioning family unit. There was nothing, absolutely nothing. I was astonished. It seemed to me that with 70% of the blended families failing, there should be something! But there was nothing.

We did find some sociology books that described some of the pitfalls of second marriages. More than one text mentioned that one of the difficulties is that there are set rules of behavior and communication habits within all families, which are unique to that family and unknown to those outside the family. This made sense. It even mentioned that the family that makes these unseen and unknown rules might not even be aware of having these usual and customary behavioral sets. Often these communication ways are not harmful to the family unit. But in a blended family “if these differences result in inconsistent parenting practices or fighting between parents over child-rearing, existing child behavior problems may be exacerbated.” This quote is from Clinical Psychology Review. (1994) 14 (5): 463-496. I could not find the old sources we looked at but I have three current sources that say the same thing. As noted above about 40% of remarriages end because of differences over children born in prior marriages.

Our children were teens and young adults, who seemed quite well established in their prior families’ well used and probably unknown silent communications skills. After studying this concept, we realized that this would be understandable. If Merlin and I did not know about these uncommunicated behavioral sets prior to our marriage, we were sure that the children were unaware that these silent “rules” were transferred to our blended family. But we began to watch and learn. We saw that when we asked for something, the kids were reacting as they would have reacted within their original family. Now we began to see why we were baffled and troubled by the unrest within the family. Understanding this to mean that together we had no history with the children and that we needed to make a new history, new unseen rules of behavior for this family.

It could be argued that a person may well feel these communication skills and sets were honored traditions within a family and some folks might consider these behaviors something to continue within any group what so ever. However, traditions are usually something like; big family breakfast on Sunday morning, reading the Christmas story on Christmas Eve, traditions surrounding the first day back at school, annual family walks, family birthday dinners, date night with mom or dad and so on. It seemed to us that the children couldn’t really anticipate transferring these other relatively private communication sets and skills between members in one family to the new family.

We discussed this over and over trying to figure out what to do. Driving in the car we discussed this, before bed, after waking up, on our walks we discussed what to do to unite the family. After all of this deliberation, we decided to talk over any and all ideas, questions, requests or what have you, put forward to us by the children. Together we would come up with our answers. We would put our heads together about what was expected within the family, whether it was interaction, eating, working around the house and yard, or playing. Merlin wanted us to decide together what was acceptable behavior and reasonable expectations, and then we would include the children in our decisions.

Often this was pathetically amusing. It could be as simple as one of them wanting to use the car. We would go off into our bedroom to discuss the request. Well, it was not easy to figure this out. Merlin might have said one thing about the car and me another. The car is just a for instance. It might have been money, or what have you. Each time we had a request, we would go off by ourselves and discussed it. Sometimes our discussions got pretty strident. Scott said he could hear us loud and clear. Merlin was adamant however, that we would come out of the room united. Then we would see how our answer played out with the situation and evaluate the affect on our family and on the behavior of the children. We might change how we did it on the next time around with the same kind of question.

This would have been so much easier if the children were toddlers, because sometimes the children would want to discuss a decision. We wanted to have our initial decision play out. Merlin and I came to the decision prayerfully, with great care, meditation and frequently intense discussion. We weren’t quick on our feet and so if the children wanted to change our decision, we would have had to go and discuss it again. This didn’t seem to be expedient. Merlin didn’t want to change in midstream so to speak or to go back and forth with every idea. So after we had made a decision, Merlin and I didn’t move from that stand easily. We counted on the children’s basic decency and trusted they would be able to see what we were doing. We were not asking them to do anything untoward, illegal, dangerous or improper.

We were working at establishing ways of doing things that were consistent with how we understood and perceived our goals for the new family. This was difficult for us and a lot of work, but we persevered. Then, thinking that if we all got to know each other better it would also benefit the whole, we tried to have all of the children in the area come over for dinners, birthday parties, holidays and what have you as frequently as possible. Having great faith in our children’s capacity for feeling love and knowing of their goodness, we felt these activities would be excellent opportunities for connecting and uniting the family and establishing our own communication skills and behavioral sets.

We were very touched not quite a year into our adventure, when Scott took us aside and told us that he could tell we were trying to put a family together. He said that he wanted his children to have the Whittle name. He wanted his children to identify with us as a family. We were so happy and encouraged by his acknowledgement of our efforts to establish a strong family. Merlin and I noticed that he didn’t actually say we had done a good job, only that he perceived that we were making an effort. But we were elated.

While we are still not communication aficionados, by now we probably have our own uncommunicated rules and sets within the family. Our goal was to have our interconnected sets of behavior include courtesy, respect for each other’s differences, and gracious and well-mannered communication. We are contented and happy with our marriage relationship which was certainly affected by our interminable and incessant discussions. At the time we did what we felt was right for the new family in order to be among the 30% of the blended families who stayed together. Some of the children remember this time with, if not fondness, at least humor. Some are still at odds with what we have done. However, we are very happy with our family. Each of our children seems happy, taking care of their families, and enjoying life. We are so proud of them.

Canda's Big Day!

A Big Day for Family!

















When I write or talk of my spiritual experiences with family history and temple work, it seems I can’t find the words to express the exquisite events that happen. This event is not an exception. We were lucky enough to be able to attend Merlin’s daughter’s first time at the temple last Saturday. We didn’t even know if it was going to happen because there were so many cogs that had to fall into position for it to take place. We had planned on visiting that weekend anyway, and feel so blessed that everything worked out so that Canda and Thom would be able to attend the Saturday we were there. Saturday was Thom’s birthday. They will never forget that day.

Canda asked me to be her Escort. That is such an honor and I always love being someone’s escort for their first time at the temple. I know there are many people who love Canda and who could have been her escort. All along I told her to make it a matter of prayer as to who would be her escort. It is not a competition. It is her day and she should have the person who is selected by the spirit for her. Because of that, I told her, no one would feel bad if they weren’t chosen. Everyone will rejoice for her and Thom. Never the less, I did appreciate being her escort and participating in the experience with her. There were many spiritual happenings which can not be related, that strengthen my understanding and appreciation of temple worship. I will never forget the day!

Probably more than 25 people met her and Thom when she was finished. There were tears and hugs all around. That was pretty astonishing because the ward had a ward temple day the next day! We love their ward.

Afterward we went on a shopping spree at the distribution center and then to dinner. It was a huge day and we feel so fortunate to have been there.

But the party continues. . . .

Their ward has a terrific Family History Committee which prepares temple activities for the ward to participate in. Their Bishop had a plan for the entire ward to increase their temple attendance this year. This included being on the temple grounds or visitor center if that was what a person can do. Some members set goals for temple attendance.

Saturday was the ward’s special day. Members had prepared to attend anytime during the day, doing the work for which they felt most inspired and then meet for a chapel session at 1PM. Two of Canda and Thom’s friends, Bro and Sis Harrison, prepared to do some family sealings. We were excited when we found out we could participate, and also they said that I could bring some of my family names who needed sealing. This was wonderful because Jenny and I had been trying to get enough people together to do these sealings for weeks if not months! Here were 5 couples all together in one room with time enough to get these names done! How wonderful was that?!

Grandma has her children now and Dad is sealed to his mother and father. This is a quote from Suzanne Harrison, Canda and Thom's friend; “Testimonies were increased as to how important these covenants are....for all our families....for every person!!!! Someone in the session mentioned (while the officiator was trying to get the whole "family" arraigned properly and it was taking some extra time and all) something to do with ...at least it wasn't a live session....and the officiator stopped and said...(cheerfully) "but, it is!" We did work...just our little group...for many, many people in our collective families.”

Thom felt that my Dad was there and was very happy that this sealing of him to his parents was finally accomplished. It seems they were waiting on me. How many more are waiting. . . .



Dad as a baby with big sister, Vella Clarice. They are now sealed to their parents.










Then the party continues. . . .

We went with Canda and Thom to their Sunday services. What a wonderful ward they have. We loved the spirit there.

Afterward, Thom and Canda had a party for their friend Suzanne and Thom’s birthdays which happened that weekend. Thom cooked his famous steaks and we had a great time.
It was the best weekend ever!

Lambs Canyon Trail

From Mill Creek Side:


Lambs Canyon Trail from Mill Creek Road. After this little bit, it seemed straight up to me.


This doesn't look as steep as it really was.

A beautiful little creek runs along the trail. I pooped out after 17 minutes. I felt very discouraged.

From Parley's Way Side:


This is an animal track, we think a pretty large animal.



Beautiful place to hike.


I can't believe how lucky I am to be in this wonderful natural watershed wilderness area.


This is just the most beautiful place.



The trail is narrow with steep drop off in places like this. I hiked up for 43 minutes this time. I was much happier. We met some folks on the trail who were very nice from Park City Mountain Sports Club. http://www.pcmsc.org/


Last Saturday Merlin and I took a drive up Mill Creek Canyon to see what was there. We found a trail that looked interesting called Lambs Canyon Trail. It was nearly straight up but I wanted to try it. I only made it up for 17 minutes and was pooped out. I wasn’t feeling well that day but it was still my personal best for that kind of terrain. I was so excited so I called Eileen to brag a little. She was really proud of me. However, that day she hiked up to Mt Aries, which is a really difficult hike. Sheesh! Will I ever get that good?

One day this week, Eileen called me at 6:30AM and told me that she and another friend were in the parking lot nearby and wondered if I wanted to go hiking with them. YES! I had just woke up and was groggily preparing Merlin’s work lunch. I perked right up, made Merlin’s sandwich, grabbed my hiking shoes and ran out the door. In my excitement, I fell down on the sidewalk on the way to the car, but managed to only skin up a few areas. A band aid here and there and we went hiking up Little Cottonwood Canyon again. What could be better than that to start the day on! Eileen times our hikes to check my improvement. That was my personal best of one hour total hiking.

Yesterday, Merlin and I drove up Parley’s Canyon (I-80) to exit 137 which is the road to Lambs Canyon from the other side. The Saturday before we tackled Lambs Canyon Trail from the Mill Creek side. Parley’s side was a beautiful trail, very closed in with vegetation. The trail was narrow with a steep drop off in some areas, which was difficult to see because of the shrubbery and trees. This was my personal best for the second time in one week. I hiked up for 43 minutes. Then I fell down because my legs were getting weak, so we went back down. But hiking up for 43 minutes! That felt really good. It took 27 minutes to go down. So I was hiking for 70 minutes in all.
My goal has been to be able to hike 2 ½ hours. Eileen told me at a party last night that she and a friend hiked up for 3 hours and then back down for 3 hours yesterday, and she still went to the party! Well, that just terminated my goal of 2 ½ hours. I’m going to have to be content with my progress but place my goal a bit higher.

Hiking along Little Cottonwood Road

This is Little Cottonwood Creek about 2 weeks after some flooding in Midvale from the spring runoff. That is a large log.

My trainer, Eileen.

An irrigation head gate probably from about 1870s. Ore was found in Little Cottonwood Canyon in abt 1860s.

Great view of the craigy mountains of Little Cottonwood Canyon.

Eileen then took me up Little Cottonwood Road to several hikes that were still a little easy but more difficult than the one on Wasatch Blvd. These hikes couldn’t have been better. There is nothing that can surpass hiking along the Little Cottonwood, listening to the creek, and the chirping birds and finding the PLFs, except going to the temple. PLF is what Eileen calls the pretty little flowers when she doesn’t know what they are. She loves looking at the flowers so much I felt I could do something for her for all she has done for me. I bought her a book and take along guide for the flora of the Wasatch Range.
I have been improving slowly but surely. Sometimes I would be so discouraged because this new physical exercise would flair up some of my health issues. But I just have to think that if I wasn’t doing this really fun hobby, these problems would probably flair up anyway. And I would have the flair up and not be as happy as I am now with my new hobby.

My Geese

When I was young my Dad would take me with him to the feed stores. He had rabbits and chickens and ducks so we went to feed stores to get their food. Each spring they had ducklings, chicks and goslings to buy. I looked at these babies and wondered if I could ever get a gosling sometime for a pet. When I was 7 years old I asked Dad for 50 cents to buy a gosling. He let me have one. Other spring times I rode my bike up to the feed store all by myself and bought the gosling. I wore my dad’s white shirt and put the gosling in my pocket and rode home on my bike. All in all I bought and took care of and raised 8 goslings.
I had to keep my goslings inside the house because in those days we didn’t have leash laws and there were loads of cats and dogs in the neighborhood that would love to have a juicy little gosling for dinner. I kept the baby in a box with newspapers and water and mash for the baby to eat. I also put some soft material for the baby to snuggle up to. Sometimes Dad would help me put a light bulb in the box for warmth. I kept the box nice and clean, changing it each day or more often because it might get wet with water, never mind poop.





When the goslings got bigger, my folks let me keep the baby goose in the bathtub and we had only one bathroom too! I put papers down and water and mash for the babies to have. Each morning I had to clean the tub out for everyone to get ready for work, school and just life. Then I’d make up the tub again for the goslings and there they would stay unless I had them outside to play. The folks let me do this several times as I had 8 geese in all. Sometimes I got two goslings at a time. We did eat two geese, but I didn’t like doing that. I think they figured this out and stopped that practice.


I took the goslings outside a lot and played with them but until they got big enough to defend themselves, they stayed inside, in the bathtub. We had 15 ducks and 22 chickens, but Dad took care of them. We had two pigeons, two guinea pigs and one tortoise. Dad took care of those animals also. I ended up with 5 adult geese and one gander. We had great eggs. Mother said they made the best cakes ever. I liked the taste of fried goose eggs. We didn’t have any baby geese hatch from their eggs because we didn’t have enough water to allow them to mate. Geese mate for life and my gander had 5 geese as mates.

When we ate dinner our table was in front of French doors. As the they grew up, the geese would fly out of their pen and sit on the porch which was right in front of the doors and visited with us while we ate. They would have come in had we opened the door. They were family.


Marty and I would go on bike rides. Often I would pack a little snack for my gosling and take it with us. I’d wear my dad’s shirts and put the gosling in the pocket, his head sticking up looking around getting a good view of where we were going. When we stopped, we’d sit under a tree and I’d take my gosling out to run around and feed it a little cracker. Then back into my pocket and we’d go home.


When I was 8 years old our milkman became very dangerous to me personally. I had to break away from him once. After that I hid in the garage when he came to deliver the milk. Mother was working then. After he attacked me, the milkman came into the backyard and called out for me when he delivered the milk. My geese flew over their fence and ran to attack him and he had to run away from them. He could never come into the backyard after that. My geese would protect me. When geese run to attack you it isn’t pretty.

I would lay out on the lawn in the backyard and my geese would fly out of their pen and come snuggle around me, talking to me and picking at my face, ears and hair with their beaks. They thought they were my children and I was their mother. Insight had set in for them when they were goslings and I was taking care of them inside the house.


When I was 10 years old, my cousin David wanted to shoot my bow and arrows. I asked him if he had ever shot a bow and he said that he had not. I was very much against him shooting because the target was just in front of my goose pen. It was a backstop made of wood planks about 5 feet by 5 feet. In front of that was a bail of hay with a target on it. I practiced my target shooting all the time, but I was worried about my cousin who had never shot a bow and arrow. We were the same age. I finally gave in and let him shoot. He shot one arrow and it went through the only knot hole in the entire backstop right into my geese pen and right through the neck of one of my geese. I was really upset. I thought he had killed one of my pets. Dad caught the goose, which was running around like a goose with an arrow through it’s neck, and pulled the arrow out. Dad told me the goose would be just fine and he was. The goose healed very quickly. My cousin never asked me about what happened to the goose. We just never talked about it.
In 1995 I visited with my cousins David, Suzie and Kathy. They asked me if we ate that goose. I told them that the goose had survived. They were so astonished. Dave was a little upset because the girls had teased him for all these years that he had killed my goose. They could have asked me.

When I was in high school, they would fly out of their pen when they heard me walking home. I was nearly 1/2 mile away, but they knew I was on my way home. They would walk single file on the side of the road all the way up to where the highway met our street to meet me, honking all the way up, and walk behind me single file honking all the way home. They’d go in the back yard and get back in their pen.


When I got married I couldn’t take them with me to Oakland so Dad and I took them over to Lindo Lake in Santee. There were loads of duck and geese families there and my family of geese did very well there. I did miss them loads.
I went back once to see if they were alright. I saw them from afar. They were a nice family of geese. I didn’t let them see me, afraid that they might recognize me. I didn’t want to disrupt the life they had made for themselves at the lake.

Lindo Lake in Santee
Dad and I did a little fishing there and the family went there in the early morning and cooked breakfast. Jack and Janie would play in the park.