I wrote this article for The Ensign in the early 1990s I think. The managing editor, Don Seal, loved the premise but wanted more personal stories added. I never felt impressed to add more of our personal experiences with the children; more than are already included, so this never got published. I’ve updated it a bit, but this is essentially the article I sent to The Ensign. This updated version was written around Dec 2010.
HOW WE WORKED OUT OUR BLENDED FAMILY
We got married in 1985. We had both lived separately in Vancouver WA for about 7 years. On advice from very trusted friends, we decided to move away from there after our marriage. People told us that there was so much out there about our pervious marriages, it might be difficult to begin anew. Therefore, the day after we got married, off we went to AZ.
Merlin had just been hired as a salesperson for a company that rented commercial dishwashers and sold the chemical for the machines. I did not have a job or even a license yet. Merlin was 48 and I was 40. This was a beginning of a new life for us, and was risky business at our ages, to go to a different state and begin our life together, essentially without money. Heavenly Father blessed our venture by allowing us to be sealed in the Seattle Temple. Our meeting and marriage is a story to be told at another time.
We have between us, six children. My youngest, Scott, then age 17, was still in high school, so he came with us. Merlin had two sons living in Vancouver with their mother, one son just off his mission and living in Tempe AZ, and one daughter living on her own in Vancouver. My oldest was going to college. Over the years, all of the children have lived with us except one. That first year we had three of the boys living with us off and on, and Scott who was there all the time. Merlin and I were excited and looked forward with anticipation to the many positive adventures our children would have in the future. In our combined mind’s eye, we saw them having all of the fine things of life, hopefully avoiding any pain, discomfort, distress, worry and embarrassment.
At the time, second marriages were called “blended”. Blending is defined in the dictionary as to mix a substance with another substance so that the two do not readily separate. The statistics on second marriages were dismal at best. Some 70% of them were failing according to data at the time. We were unwavering in our determination to stay together for ourselves as well as for our children. Second and third marriages often fail because of problems between the partners regarding the raising and disciplining of the children, around 40% of second marriages were failing for those reasons, according to National Center for Health Statistics (2002). It did not seem good for anyone if our marriage failed.
As we began dating, Merlin noticed that my sons manipulated me. I was not so aware of this, but when he mentioned it, I took a look and recognized what was happening. Of course, children will try to get what they want and perhaps I was somewhat lenient because of my divorce. I felt guilty for not being able to keep my marriage together, either of them actually. So perhaps I overlooked some manipulation on the boys’ part. Merlin allowed his children to over influence him, possibly for the same reasons. So we noticed even before we were married some irregular behavior in our communications with our children. It was nothing serious at the time, but it might be disadvantageous at some point.
Most children do not want their parents to divorce, no one wants to change how they relate to their parents, and no one wants to establish new and different ways to communicate. Abuse aside, what we know is what we want, it is comfortable to us and we want it to remain the same. When something in a group changes, it creates chaos until new ways of looking at things develop. Merlin and I are not communication geniuses or even very insightful. Recognizing that fact and also understanding that all of us had been in remarkably dysfunctional families prior to beginning this one, Merlin and I were willing to obtain help from any source. We prayerfully began looking for some experts to help us navigate through the precarious straits of establishing new relationships within this newly formed family.
Our Stake was offering several classes in how to communicate within blended families. We took the course. It seemed that communication was not that much different within a blended family. Using the guidelines given to us in this church course, we still noticed some reticent behavior in our children who were living at home or came for extended visits. We went to the library and searched for information on how other blended families coped and established a friendly functioning family unit. There was nothing, absolutely nothing. I was astonished. It seemed to me that with 70% of the blended families failing, there should be something! But there was nothing.
We did find some sociology books that described some of the pitfalls of second marriages. More than one text mentioned that one of the difficulties is that there are set rules of behavior and communication habits within all families, which are unique to that family and unknown to those outside the family. This made sense. It even mentioned that the family that makes these unseen and unknown rules might not even be aware of having these usual and customary behavioral sets. Often these communication ways are not harmful to the family unit. But in a blended family “if these differences result in inconsistent parenting practices or fighting between parents over child-rearing, existing child behavior problems may be exacerbated.” This quote is from Clinical Psychology Review. (1994) 14 (5): 463-496. I could not find the old sources we looked at but I have three current sources that say the same thing. As noted above about 40% of remarriages end because of differences over children born in prior marriages.
Our children were teens and young adults, who seemed quite well established in their prior families’ well used and probably unknown silent communications skills. After studying this concept, we realized that this would be understandable. If Merlin and I did not know about these uncommunicated behavioral sets prior to our marriage, we were sure that the children were unaware that these silent “rules” were transferred to our blended family. But we began to watch and learn. We saw that when we asked for something, the kids were reacting as they would have reacted within their original family. Now we began to see why we were baffled and troubled by the unrest within the family. Understanding this to mean that together we had no history with the children and that we needed to make a new history, new unseen rules of behavior for this family.
It could be argued that a person may well feel these communication skills and sets were honored traditions within a family and some folks might consider these behaviors something to continue within any group what so ever. However, traditions are usually something like; big family breakfast on Sunday morning, reading the Christmas story on Christmas Eve, traditions surrounding the first day back at school, annual family walks, family birthday dinners, date night with mom or dad and so on. It seemed to us that the children couldn’t really anticipate transferring these other relatively private communication sets and skills between members in one family to the new family.
We discussed this over and over trying to figure out what to do. Driving in the car we discussed this, before bed, after waking up, on our walks we discussed what to do to unite the family. After all of this deliberation, we decided to talk over any and all ideas, questions, requests or what have you, put forward to us by the children. Together we would come up with our answers. We would put our heads together about what was expected within the family, whether it was interaction, eating, working around the house and yard, or playing. Merlin wanted us to decide together what was acceptable behavior and reasonable expectations, and then we would include the children in our decisions.
Often this was pathetically amusing. It could be as simple as one of them wanting to use the car. We would go off into our bedroom to discuss the request. Well, it was not easy to figure this out. Merlin might have said one thing about the car and me another. The car is just a for instance. It might have been money, or what have you. Each time we had a request, we would go off by ourselves and discussed it. Sometimes our discussions got pretty strident. Scott said he could hear us loud and clear. Merlin was adamant however, that we would come out of the room united. Then we would see how our answer played out with the situation and evaluate the affect on our family and on the behavior of the children. We might change how we did it on the next time around with the same kind of question.
This would have been so much easier if the children were toddlers, because sometimes the children would want to discuss a decision. We wanted to have our initial decision play out. Merlin and I came to the decision prayerfully, with great care, meditation and frequently intense discussion. We weren’t quick on our feet and so if the children wanted to change our decision, we would have had to go and discuss it again. This didn’t seem to be expedient. Merlin didn’t want to change in midstream so to speak or to go back and forth with every idea. So after we had made a decision, Merlin and I didn’t move from that stand easily. We counted on the children’s basic decency and trusted they would be able to see what we were doing. We were not asking them to do anything untoward, illegal, dangerous or improper.
We were working at establishing ways of doing things that were consistent with how we understood and perceived our goals for the new family. This was difficult for us and a lot of work, but we persevered. Then, thinking that if we all got to know each other better it would also benefit the whole, we tried to have all of the children in the area come over for dinners, birthday parties, holidays and what have you as frequently as possible. Having great faith in our children’s capacity for feeling love and knowing of their goodness, we felt these activities would be excellent opportunities for connecting and uniting the family and establishing our own communication skills and behavioral sets.
We were very touched not quite a year into our adventure, when Scott took us aside and told us that he could tell we were trying to put a family together. He said that he wanted his children to have the Whittle name. He wanted his children to identify with us as a family. We were so happy and encouraged by his acknowledgement of our efforts to establish a strong family. Merlin and I noticed that he didn’t actually say we had done a good job, only that he perceived that we were making an effort. But we were elated.
While we are still not communication aficionados, by now we probably have our own uncommunicated rules and sets within the family. Our goal was to have our interconnected sets of behavior include courtesy, respect for each other’s differences, and gracious and well-mannered communication. We are contented and happy with our marriage relationship which was certainly affected by our interminable and incessant discussions. At the time we did what we felt was right for the new family in order to be among the 30% of the blended families who stayed together. Some of the children remember this time with, if not fondness, at least humor. Some are still at odds with what we have done. However, we are very happy with our family. Each of our children seems happy, taking care of their families, and enjoying life. We are so proud of them.
HOW WE WORKED OUT OUR BLENDED FAMILY
We got married in 1985. We had both lived separately in Vancouver WA for about 7 years. On advice from very trusted friends, we decided to move away from there after our marriage. People told us that there was so much out there about our pervious marriages, it might be difficult to begin anew. Therefore, the day after we got married, off we went to AZ.
Merlin had just been hired as a salesperson for a company that rented commercial dishwashers and sold the chemical for the machines. I did not have a job or even a license yet. Merlin was 48 and I was 40. This was a beginning of a new life for us, and was risky business at our ages, to go to a different state and begin our life together, essentially without money. Heavenly Father blessed our venture by allowing us to be sealed in the Seattle Temple. Our meeting and marriage is a story to be told at another time.
We have between us, six children. My youngest, Scott, then age 17, was still in high school, so he came with us. Merlin had two sons living in Vancouver with their mother, one son just off his mission and living in Tempe AZ, and one daughter living on her own in Vancouver. My oldest was going to college. Over the years, all of the children have lived with us except one. That first year we had three of the boys living with us off and on, and Scott who was there all the time. Merlin and I were excited and looked forward with anticipation to the many positive adventures our children would have in the future. In our combined mind’s eye, we saw them having all of the fine things of life, hopefully avoiding any pain, discomfort, distress, worry and embarrassment.
At the time, second marriages were called “blended”. Blending is defined in the dictionary as to mix a substance with another substance so that the two do not readily separate. The statistics on second marriages were dismal at best. Some 70% of them were failing according to data at the time. We were unwavering in our determination to stay together for ourselves as well as for our children. Second and third marriages often fail because of problems between the partners regarding the raising and disciplining of the children, around 40% of second marriages were failing for those reasons, according to National Center for Health Statistics (2002). It did not seem good for anyone if our marriage failed.
As we began dating, Merlin noticed that my sons manipulated me. I was not so aware of this, but when he mentioned it, I took a look and recognized what was happening. Of course, children will try to get what they want and perhaps I was somewhat lenient because of my divorce. I felt guilty for not being able to keep my marriage together, either of them actually. So perhaps I overlooked some manipulation on the boys’ part. Merlin allowed his children to over influence him, possibly for the same reasons. So we noticed even before we were married some irregular behavior in our communications with our children. It was nothing serious at the time, but it might be disadvantageous at some point.
Most children do not want their parents to divorce, no one wants to change how they relate to their parents, and no one wants to establish new and different ways to communicate. Abuse aside, what we know is what we want, it is comfortable to us and we want it to remain the same. When something in a group changes, it creates chaos until new ways of looking at things develop. Merlin and I are not communication geniuses or even very insightful. Recognizing that fact and also understanding that all of us had been in remarkably dysfunctional families prior to beginning this one, Merlin and I were willing to obtain help from any source. We prayerfully began looking for some experts to help us navigate through the precarious straits of establishing new relationships within this newly formed family.
Our Stake was offering several classes in how to communicate within blended families. We took the course. It seemed that communication was not that much different within a blended family. Using the guidelines given to us in this church course, we still noticed some reticent behavior in our children who were living at home or came for extended visits. We went to the library and searched for information on how other blended families coped and established a friendly functioning family unit. There was nothing, absolutely nothing. I was astonished. It seemed to me that with 70% of the blended families failing, there should be something! But there was nothing.
We did find some sociology books that described some of the pitfalls of second marriages. More than one text mentioned that one of the difficulties is that there are set rules of behavior and communication habits within all families, which are unique to that family and unknown to those outside the family. This made sense. It even mentioned that the family that makes these unseen and unknown rules might not even be aware of having these usual and customary behavioral sets. Often these communication ways are not harmful to the family unit. But in a blended family “if these differences result in inconsistent parenting practices or fighting between parents over child-rearing, existing child behavior problems may be exacerbated.” This quote is from Clinical Psychology Review. (1994) 14 (5): 463-496. I could not find the old sources we looked at but I have three current sources that say the same thing. As noted above about 40% of remarriages end because of differences over children born in prior marriages.
Our children were teens and young adults, who seemed quite well established in their prior families’ well used and probably unknown silent communications skills. After studying this concept, we realized that this would be understandable. If Merlin and I did not know about these uncommunicated behavioral sets prior to our marriage, we were sure that the children were unaware that these silent “rules” were transferred to our blended family. But we began to watch and learn. We saw that when we asked for something, the kids were reacting as they would have reacted within their original family. Now we began to see why we were baffled and troubled by the unrest within the family. Understanding this to mean that together we had no history with the children and that we needed to make a new history, new unseen rules of behavior for this family.
It could be argued that a person may well feel these communication skills and sets were honored traditions within a family and some folks might consider these behaviors something to continue within any group what so ever. However, traditions are usually something like; big family breakfast on Sunday morning, reading the Christmas story on Christmas Eve, traditions surrounding the first day back at school, annual family walks, family birthday dinners, date night with mom or dad and so on. It seemed to us that the children couldn’t really anticipate transferring these other relatively private communication sets and skills between members in one family to the new family.
We discussed this over and over trying to figure out what to do. Driving in the car we discussed this, before bed, after waking up, on our walks we discussed what to do to unite the family. After all of this deliberation, we decided to talk over any and all ideas, questions, requests or what have you, put forward to us by the children. Together we would come up with our answers. We would put our heads together about what was expected within the family, whether it was interaction, eating, working around the house and yard, or playing. Merlin wanted us to decide together what was acceptable behavior and reasonable expectations, and then we would include the children in our decisions.
Often this was pathetically amusing. It could be as simple as one of them wanting to use the car. We would go off into our bedroom to discuss the request. Well, it was not easy to figure this out. Merlin might have said one thing about the car and me another. The car is just a for instance. It might have been money, or what have you. Each time we had a request, we would go off by ourselves and discussed it. Sometimes our discussions got pretty strident. Scott said he could hear us loud and clear. Merlin was adamant however, that we would come out of the room united. Then we would see how our answer played out with the situation and evaluate the affect on our family and on the behavior of the children. We might change how we did it on the next time around with the same kind of question.
This would have been so much easier if the children were toddlers, because sometimes the children would want to discuss a decision. We wanted to have our initial decision play out. Merlin and I came to the decision prayerfully, with great care, meditation and frequently intense discussion. We weren’t quick on our feet and so if the children wanted to change our decision, we would have had to go and discuss it again. This didn’t seem to be expedient. Merlin didn’t want to change in midstream so to speak or to go back and forth with every idea. So after we had made a decision, Merlin and I didn’t move from that stand easily. We counted on the children’s basic decency and trusted they would be able to see what we were doing. We were not asking them to do anything untoward, illegal, dangerous or improper.
We were working at establishing ways of doing things that were consistent with how we understood and perceived our goals for the new family. This was difficult for us and a lot of work, but we persevered. Then, thinking that if we all got to know each other better it would also benefit the whole, we tried to have all of the children in the area come over for dinners, birthday parties, holidays and what have you as frequently as possible. Having great faith in our children’s capacity for feeling love and knowing of their goodness, we felt these activities would be excellent opportunities for connecting and uniting the family and establishing our own communication skills and behavioral sets.
We were very touched not quite a year into our adventure, when Scott took us aside and told us that he could tell we were trying to put a family together. He said that he wanted his children to have the Whittle name. He wanted his children to identify with us as a family. We were so happy and encouraged by his acknowledgement of our efforts to establish a strong family. Merlin and I noticed that he didn’t actually say we had done a good job, only that he perceived that we were making an effort. But we were elated.
While we are still not communication aficionados, by now we probably have our own uncommunicated rules and sets within the family. Our goal was to have our interconnected sets of behavior include courtesy, respect for each other’s differences, and gracious and well-mannered communication. We are contented and happy with our marriage relationship which was certainly affected by our interminable and incessant discussions. At the time we did what we felt was right for the new family in order to be among the 30% of the blended families who stayed together. Some of the children remember this time with, if not fondness, at least humor. Some are still at odds with what we have done. However, we are very happy with our family. Each of our children seems happy, taking care of their families, and enjoying life. We are so proud of them.
